As you mark this memorable marriage milestone, keep these expert-approved vow renewal etiquette tips in mind
11 Vow Renewal Etiquette Rules Every Couple Should Follow
Updated on Aug. 19, 2024
Vow renewal etiquette you need to know
Ever wonder how a wedding planner would renew her vows? If you’re Elaine Swann, an expert in vow renewal etiquette who spent 10 years as a professional wedding coordinator, you invite your loved ones and hit the beach. “My husband is a surfer, and the beach has always been a huge part of our life, so we wanted to incorporate that,” she says. “He wore board shorts, and I wore a bright red bikini!”
While it may not have looked like a stereotypical vow renewal—a ceremony in which a couple recommits to each other after years, often decades, of marriage—it was exactly how the pair envisioned celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary. “That’s the beautiful thing about vow renewal ceremonies: There’s a much wider range of what’s acceptable, giving a lot of room for creativity, fun and personal expression,” she says. “The etiquette rules are a bit more relaxed for vow renewals than the wedding etiquette of traditional wedding ceremonies.”
But relaxed etiquette doesn’t mean there are no etiquette rules, so we asked Swann and etiquette expert Jan Goss to share their top do’s and don’ts. Whether you’ve been married for a decade or half a century, this list of expert-sourced vow renewal ideas and advice will help you plan the perfect ceremony.
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Pick a theme
Having a theme is a great way to show your interests as a happy couple, especially as you’ve grown together over the years, Swann says. Vow renewal ideas don’t need to be fancy—a backyard barbecue is just as acceptable as a beachside ceremony—but having a theme to tie everything together will make it easier to pick invitations, decide on a venue and plan decorations, Goss says.
The one rule for picking a theme? “Talk to each other,” Goss says. “Use this as an opportunity to really come together as a couple.”
Keep your guests in mind too. If yours have disposable income, you can go with a theme that lets them live it up just as much as you and your spouse will. Take, for instance, the vacation theme: “Many couples today are combining their vow renewal with a vacation for a destination vow renewal,” Swann says. This makes guests more active participants and shifts the focus to celebrating and having fun with the couple for an extended period of time rather than watching a couple get married and leave for their honeymoon, as you would in a wedding ceremony. Of course, this isn’t the best theme if your guests are tight on cash!
Send out invitations
In case it wasn’t clear, a vow renewal is a party. So don’t skip the invitations! You will likely need those RSVPs to get at least a rough head count. You can go the old-fashioned route by mailing custom-made printed invitations for a more formal look. But it’s more common these days to do digital invitations, especially with the more relaxed vibe of a vow renewal, Swann says. “Even print invitations often have a QR code or website that gives all the relevant information,” she says.
Good wedding vow renewal etiquette says you should send them out at least a month in advance.
Avoid the strict dress code
There are pretty clear-cut etiquette rules when it comes to wedding attire—the couple may ask guests to not only adhere to formal, semiformal or cocktail attire but may even specify a preferred color scheme. While it does provide a cohesive look, this can be stressful for guests and is unnecessary for a vow renewal ceremony, Swann says.
“Do include a dress code on the invitation so guests know what to expect—for instance, ours was ‘beach casual,'” she says. “And then let them take it from there.” The exception would be if your theme dictates particular attire or a color scheme. For example, Swann cites a couple who picked their favorite sports team as the theme for their vow renewal and therefore requested that guests wear the team colors.
One wedding rule still holds true when it comes to vow renewal etiquette, however: Don’t wear white unless the couple instructs you to, as white is still reserved for the bride or wife, Swann says.
Incorporate something from your original wedding
“Vow renewals are often about reminiscing about the past and reliving happy memories of the couple’s life together so far,” Goss says. So including a nod to your wedding is one of her favorite vow renewal ideas. Perhaps you kept something traditional, like your cake topper, your veil or your written vows—using these in your renewal ceremony will add a lovely sentimental touch.
“In our wedding, we each wore a Hawaiian print outfit, so we incorporated some of that into our beach theme,” Swann says.
Don’t ask for gifts or donations
Weddings are gift-giving occasions; vow renewal ceremonies are not. So don’t ask for (or expect) any gifts or monetary donations. And don’t create a gift registry. “Wedding gifts are to help start the couple in their new life, but at a vow renewal, it’s assumed the couple is already well established in their life,” Goss explains.
“Your presence is your present,” Swann says. “If a guest really wants to bring something, a heartfelt card is a lovely gesture.” Include a wedding anniversary message for a personal touch.
Write your own vows
The highlight of a vow renewal is the exchanging of the vows. Skip the standard “till death do us part” wedding vows and write your own. “This is an opportunity to really make it personal and show how you’ve grown together as a couple,” Goss says. If you wrote your own vows for your wedding, you can incorporate them into your new vows.
Don’t tease your spouse in your vows
Social media has highlighted the rise of wedding vows as stand-up comedy, often at the expense of a husband or wife. While wedding jokes might work for some couples, more often, it ends in hurt feelings, Swann says. A few guidelines for writing your own wedding vows:
- Highlight shared life experiences, like the births of children and grandchildren or a big move.
- Cracking a few inside jokes is fine, but avoid overdoing it. Guests won’t understand them.
- Be very gentle with teasing and humor. You never want to embarrass your spouse.
- Avoid bringing up negative experiences, even if they affected your relationship in a big way. If you feel like you need to reference one, like the death of a loved one, keep the focus on how it brought you together as a couple.
- Focus on the other person and what they mean to you.
- Share your hopes for your future together.
Hire a photographer
You’re going to want to document this event, and hiring a pro will ensure you get great shots while freeing you up to mingle with your guests, Swann says.
Some vow renewal etiquette tips for guests: Don’t take pictures during the ceremony, stay out of the way of the professional photographer and wait to post pictures of the couple to social media until after they do. (It’s fine to post pictures of yourself before then!)
Skip the bridal party
Your bridesmaids and groomsmen may be honored invitees to your vow renewal—and how blessed you are to still have these good friends and family in your life!—but they shouldn’t be wearing matching outfits or standing next to you at the ceremony, Goss says. “Instead, pick a special person who can help you with the little things that day,” she says.
Wear something special
Can you still fit in your wedding dress? Great! Feel free to wear it if you like. That said, vow renewal etiquette doesn’t specify formal dress. The attire rules for spouses are much more relaxed—just pick something that coordinates and shows your personality. “Be comfortable and have fun with it,” Swann says. “There’s no expectation of a formal dress and tux, although you certainly can [wear that] if you want to.”
Keep the focus on your relationship
Planning a vow renewal ceremony can be stressful, but at the end of the day, it’s a party, and it’s supposed to be fun. You don’t have to be a vow renewal etiquette expert to know the best way to treat guests during the event. Just think of how you’d like a couple to act toward you: joyful and welcoming, not stressed out about the little details.
Focus on your love for each other. And most of all, take time to create new memories, relive old ones and enjoy time with family and friends. This is an opportunity to reignite and re-energize your love for one another.
FAQs
What is a vow renewal?
A vow renewal is a ceremony in which a couple recommits to each other, typically around a milestone anniversary, Goss explains. Couples might renew their vows after 10, 20, even 50 or more years of marriage.
“There’s usually a nonlegal ceremony where the couples exchange vows and renew their commitment to each other,” she says. “These vows are a very personal thing, affirming their enduring love for one another.”
Why do couples renew their wedding vows?
There are a variety of reasons couples renew their vows: Maybe they eloped or had a small wedding and want to honor their love and commitment with a larger group of loved ones. Or maybe they’re celebrating a major anniversary.
Whatever the reason for a vow renewal, it can be a really powerful thing. You’re gathering the people who mean the most to you and saying to each other, “We did it. We’ve made it this far, and we know we can make it to the very end together. Nothing and no one can stop us!'”
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Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions, as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. For this piece on vow renewal etiquette, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Elaine Swann, professional wedding coordinator, wedding etiquette expert and founder of the Swann School of Protocol; phone interview, July 22, 2024
- Jan Goss, CEO and founder of Show Up Well consulting and author of Protocol Power; phone interview, July 17, 2024
