Nothing's easier than a simple one-liner. The biggest laughs come from jokes that take little more than a sentence to deliver. From old favorites like Morey Amsterdam to modern comedians like Jim Gaffigan, here are some of our favorites.
47 of the Funniest One-Liners on the Internet
Updated on Sep. 18, 2024
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I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright
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I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield. Get back at Pa with these groan-worthy dad jokes you’ll still laugh at or this growing list of dad jokes.
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Dogs are forever
in the pushup position. – Mitch Hedberg
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I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch;
my grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch. – Woody Allen
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years.
I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield. Don’t miss our favorite corny jokes everyone will laugh at.
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A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant…
and orders a waiter. – Morey Amsterdam.Â
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I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright
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Congress is the finest group…
money can buy. – Morey Amsterdam. Here are 9 funny jokes to defuse awkward situations at work.
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My one regret in life…
is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen
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I was such an ugly kid…
when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield
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I am a man of my word,
and that word is “unreliable.” – Demitri Martin.Â
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New York now leads the world’s great cities…
in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. – David Letterman
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Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,
but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield.Â
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws,
only catapults. – Demitri Martin
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I did a sponsored walk once.
I raised so much money, I could afford a taxi. – Jimmy Carr
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Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in?
Somebody’s making a penny. – Steven Wright. Don’t miss these 20 grammar jokes every word nerd will appreciate.
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People who live in glass houses…
might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam
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There’s no business like show business…
but there are several businesses like accounting. – David Letterman.Â
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I’m astounded by people who want to know the universe…
when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen
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I like to go into The Body Shop and yell,
“I’ve already got one!” – Jimmy Carr
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Big families are like waterbed stores:
They used to be everywhere and now they’re just weird. – Jim Gaffigan
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It’s a small world,
but I wouldn’t want to paint it. – Steven Wright
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I wonder what the word “dots”…
looks like in braille. – Demitri Martin. Here are 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at.Â
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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,
watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. – David Letterman
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It’s not that I’m afraid to die,
I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen. How about some pirate jokes? Here are 21 ye should tell the rest o’ ye crew.
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I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces.
When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.” – Demitri Martin
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If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death,
what chance have I got? – Mel Brooks
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I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant,
because the customer is always right. – Mitch Hedberg
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There should be a children’s song,
“If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan.Â
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Critics can’t even make music…
by rubbing their back legs together. – Mel Brooks
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The robe is a lazy man’s…
tuxedo. – Jim Gaffigan
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The final test of fame…
is to have a crazy person imagine they’re you. – Mel Brooks. Here are 21 more anti-jokes you can’t help but laugh at.
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I found there was only one way to look thin:
hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
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I’d hate to be a giraffe…
with a sore throat. – Mitch Hedberg
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When someone close to you dies,
move seats. – Jimmy Carr
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg
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I worry about my Nan.
If she falls, and no one’s around to hear it, does she make a sound? – Jimmy Carr. Here are the favorite jokes of 40 comedians.
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If God wanted us to fly,
he’d have given us tickets! – Mel Brooks
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I got a robe. It’s not a robe, really,
it’s just a towel that fits me. – Mitch Hedberg
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When you go to the mind reader,
do you get half price? – David Letterman
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How do you know when fish goes bad?
It smells like fish either way. – Jim Gaffigan. Here are 25 clever jokes that’ll make you sound smart.
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When you eat spicy food, you can lose your taste.
When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton. – Jimmy Carr.Â
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Bad taste is simply saying the truth
before it should be said. – Mel Brooks
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How fast does a zebra need to run
before it looks grey? – Demitri Martin
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Playing Frisbee with a five-year-old is amazingly similar…
to just running after a Frisbee. – Jim Gaffigan. Next, check out these 30 short jokes anyone can memorize.
