Belly-laugh at funny Valentine quotes that are rich in wit, sarcasm and clever commentary about love
52 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes for a Sweet Giggle
Updated on Jan. 26, 2025
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate that special someone in your life. You may look for the most gorgeous flowers, the sweetest Valentine’s Day ideas and even the perfect Valentine’s Day card to gift your sweetheart. Sure, romance is important, but you know what else is? Humor, and lots of it. That’s where funny Valentine quotes come into play.
These sweet and funny Valentine’s Day quotes poke fun at love, relationships, marriage and other hilarious affairs of the heart. If you love Valentine’s Day memes, share these witty words with your valentine and you’ll immediately have them in stitches. Enjoy the laughs—and the love!
Get Reader’s Digest’s Read Up newsletter for more insight on holidays, humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long.
Funny Valentine quotes for her
1. “To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” —H.L. Mencken
2. “I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.” —Jonathan Swift
3. “Love is an exploding cigar which we willingly smoke.” —Lynda Barry
4. “My heart’s in the right place. I know, cuz I hid it there.” —Carrie Fisher
5. “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
6. “At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass!” —Joan Rivers
7. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” —Phyllis Diller
8. “Sometimes I believe that some people are better at love than others, and sometimes I believe that everyone is faking it.” —Nora Ephron
9. “The whole Valentine’s thing is fine, but you don’t back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.” —Lewis Black
10. “If I love you, what business is it of yours?” —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Funny Valentine quotes for him
11. “I love Valentine’s Day. When you’re a kid, everyone gets a valentine. It’s like, ‘To Tim, nice pants. Love, Scott.’ It’s valentines galore!” —Mike Birbiglia
12. “Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.” –Fran Lebowitz
13. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” –Ogden Nash
14. “No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.” —Henry A. Kissinger
15. “On Valentine’s Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays — fear.” —Dave Barry
16. “For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.” —Ray Romano
17. “If I eat a huge meal and I can get the girl to rub my belly, I think that’s about as romantic as I can think of.” —Ryan Gosling
18. “I don’t know who St. Valentine was, but I hope he died alone, surrounded by couples.” —Miranda Hart
19. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” —Henny Youngman
Funny Valentine quotes for singles
20. “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” –Lucille Ball
21. “I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” –Jenny Han
22. “Nobody loves me as much as I love me, so I guess I’ll just be my own valentine.” —Adam Rippon
23. “If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” —Lily Tomlin
24. “He or she lucky enough to have a lover in frigid, antsy February has cause for celebration, indeed.” —Tom Robbins
Looking for some cheesy romance this Valentine’s Day? Here are some Valentine’s Day pickup lines that will make sure crush blush.
Funny Valentine quotes about love
25. “Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you.” —Joey Adams
26. “Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do—but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.” —Albert Einstein
27. “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” —Pearl Bailey
28. “It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year’s Eve. Now I had to cope with Valentine datelessness, feeling consummate social pressure from every retailer in America who stuck hearts and cupids in their windows by January second to rub it in.” —Joan Bauer
29. “Love kills intelligence. The brain and the heart act upon each other in the manner of an hour-glass. One fills itself only to empty the other.” —Jules Renard
30. “My mother-in-law said, ‘Dear, I’d like to tell you the secret of a happy marriage…Every now and then, it helps to be a little deaf.” – Ruth Bader Ginsburg
31. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” —Joan Crawford
32. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” —Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
33. “Love is better than chocolate, but sometimes chocolate is easier to find.” —Judy Kain
34. “Infatuation is not quite the same thing as love; it’s more like love’s shady second cousin who’s always borrowing money and can’t hold down a job.” —Elizabeth Gilbert
35. “Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.” —Billy Connolly
36. “The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” —Blaise Pascal
37. “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.” – Terry Pratchett
38. “In every house of marriage there’s room for an interpreter.” —Stanley Kunitz
39. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.” —Cher
40. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
41. “Love doesn’t just drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator.” —Helen Gurley Brown
42. “I understood Valentine’s Day as a concept. The naked baby shoots you with an arrow, and you fall in love.” —Trevor Noah
Funny Valentine quotes for married couples
43. “When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.” —Rita Rudner
44. “Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage…Like two out of every ten couples.” — Neil Simon
45. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” —Benjamin Franklin
46. “I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.” —Rodney Dangerfield
47. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
48. “I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.” —Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
Funny Valentine quotes for Galentine’s Day
49. “What’s Galentine’s Day? Oh, it’s only the best day of the year.” —Leslie Knope
50. “Who was this St. Valentine anyway? I assume the patron saint of bad gifts, ’cause that’s how we express our love on St. Valentine’s Day.” —Jim Gaffigan
51. “You rainbow-infused, space unicorn.” —Leslie Knope
52. “Uteruses before duderuses … Ovaries before brovaries.” —Leslie Knope
Why trust us
At Reader’s Digest, we’ve been sharing our favorite quotes for over 100 years. The sayings and quips that appear in the magazine’s “Quotable Quotes” (formerly “Remarkable Remarks”) are curated from interviews and essays originally published in the magazine, reprints from trusted titles and other verified sources. For this piece, Kelly Kuehn tapped her experiences as a lifestyle editor for Reader’s Digest to ensure that all information is accurate. We’ve gone the extra step and had Marcy Lovitch, a fact-checker with 20-plus years of experience researching for national publications including Marie Claire, Good Housekeeping, Family Circle, Glamour, Seventeen, Real Simple, Forbes and InStyle magazines, verify that all quotes are attributed correctly and have credible sourcing. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
