108 Sarcastic Quotes That Are the Perfect Mix of Witty and Clever

Love ’em or hate ’em, there’s a reason sarcasm quotes are all over the internet. Like funny sayings, sarcasm quotes play with the interpretation of words and tone in a way that can stretch your brain if you’re not expecting it. To use sarcasm, you have to say something that’s the opposite of what you mean (kind of like uttering a funny inspirational quote when you’re trying to be anything but inspiring). To understand sarcasm, you have to pick up on both the literal meaning and the underlying sentiment. Sarcasm is a true lie.

But there can be a dark side to all that insincerity. The word sarcasm comes from a Greek word, sarkazein, that means “to tear at something,” like a dog might. By the 1570s, the word had become sarcasmus, meaning “a biting remark or gibe.” A sarcastic taunt can stick like nothing else; there’s a reason we might say our sarcastic colleague has a sharp tongue. Instead of playful zingers like funny coffee quotes or funny work quotes, their comebacks are mocking.

So why do we use sarcasm so much? There are a few possible reasons you’ll catch everyone from kindergartners to senior citizens doing some verbal eye-rolling. For starters, sarcasm is hilarious. Like perfectly timed funny quotes, a sarcastic comment can put someone rude in their place or help you make a self-deprecating joke (think: tripping over your shoelace and saying “Smooth move, huh?”). Sarcasm is also a more mature way of expressing feelings like anger or disappointment. When your car doesn’t start yet again, you can turn to your mechanic and say, “I’m so glad we chose this one” instead of yelling in frustration.

By definition, sarcasm is the opposite of sincerity, and you can use it to signal that you’re not naive—this is probably why teens, in particular, spout sarcasm nonstop. Who wants to seem cooler and more grown-up than a high schooler? Whether you’re looking to improve your comeback game or simply enjoy a smirk or two, these quotes will teach you the art of sarcasm. (Not that you need help in the humor department.)

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Sarcastic witty quotes

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1. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” —Fred Allen

2. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” —Groucho Marx

3. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” —Abba Eban

4. “I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.” —Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

5. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” —Unknown

6. “Have no fear of perfection—you’ll never reach it.” —Salvador Dalí

7. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” —Johnny Carson

8. “If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something.” —Unknown

9. “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” —Unknown

10. “Don’t be so humble—you are not that great.” —Golda Meir

There’s witty, and then there’s next-level witty: deploying funny one-liners.

Quotes about sarcasm

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11. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.” —Unknown

12. “You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It’s really funny.” —Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians 

13. “Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.” —Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

14. “Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.” —Mahmoud Darwish

15. “It’s all fun and games until someone doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm.” —Unknown

16. “It’s wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.” —Christopher Moore, Lamb 

17. “My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I am kidding anymore.” —Unknown

18. “You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.” —Unknown

19. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.” —Unknown

20. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.” —Unknown

21. “I’m allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.” —Unknown

22. “Honey, tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.” —Megan Mullally as Karen Walker on Will & Grace

23. “Sarcasm is not an attitude. It is an art.” —Unknown

24. “Sarcasm and compassion are two of the qualities that make life on Earth tolerable.” —Nick Hornby, Songbook

25. “Sarcasm: helping the intelligent tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.” —Unknown

26. “I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.” —Unknown

27. “There is a great need for a sarcasm font.” —Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

28. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.” —Unknown

Sarcastic quotes about sarcasm? Now that’s meta. For more deep thoughts with a side of laughs, check out these funny books.

Funny sarcasm quotes

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29. “If you think nobody cares that you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” —Unknown

30. “Sometimes I feel so sick at the state of the world I can’t even finish my second apple pie.” —Banksy, Wall and Peace

31. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.” —Homer Simpson

32. “When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it.” —Bernard Bailey

33. “What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.” —Fred Allen

34. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege.” —Unknown

35. “I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” —Oscar Wilde

36. “October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” —Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson 

37. “I’m sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.” —Cassandra Clare

38. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” —W.C. Fields

39. “Please be patient. I am ruining things as fast as I can.” —Unknown

40. “I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.” —Unknown

41. “People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it’s not out of my way at all.” —Unknown

42. “Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.” —Bill Murray

If you’re looking for a new way to be funny, these sarcasm quotes can help—and so can these funny poems.

Sarcasm quotes for friends

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43. “Zombies eat brains. You are safe.” —Jon Stewart

44. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” —Oscar Wilde, The Duchess of Padua 

45. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” —Steven Wright

46. “Sarcasm is such an unattractive quality in anyone but me.” —Samantha Young, Smokeless Fire 

47. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” —Theodore Roosevelt

48. “He has van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder

49. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.” —Unknown

50. “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” —Rita Mae Brown

51. “I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.” —Unknown

52. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you knew everything.” —Unknown

53. “It’s OK if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” —Unknown

54. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” —Russell Lynes

55. “Please cancel my subscription to your issues.” —Unknown

56. “You’re not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.” —Unknown

57. “I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” —Unknown

Making your friends laugh with a perfectly sarcastic quote is great, but making them laugh with a funny quote from a Netflix comedy film might be even better.

Sarcasm quotes for work

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58. “My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” —Unknown

59. “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” —Robert Frost

60. “People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.” —Bill Watterson, The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book 

61. “Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.” —Unknown

62. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” —Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt 

63. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” —Drew Carey

64. “There are times my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut.” —Unknown

65. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” —A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh 

66. “I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss. Think of me as a friend who can fire you.'” —Unknown

67. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” —Thomas Edison

68. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” —Unknown

69. “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” —Kin Hubbard

70. “Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job too.” —Unknown

71. “I have a theory of relatives too. Don’t hire them.” —Jack L. Warner

72. “I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don’t want you showing up.” —Unknown

73. “I haven’t even gone to bed yet, and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.” —Unknown

For those moments when you just need to tune out your co-workers, try one of the best comedy podcasts.

Sarcasm quotes for families

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74. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” —Mark Twain

75. “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” —Sam Levenson

76. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” —George Burns

77. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” —Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea 

78. “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” —Natalie Wood

79. “Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us 12 years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.” —Eugene Bertin

80. “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” —Michael Levine

81. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” —P.J. O’Rourke

82. “In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.” —Erma Bombeck

83. “Please excuse my father. It makes him feel young and powerful to treat us like idiot children.” —Aidan Quinn as Alfred Ludlow in Legends of the Fall

84. “Keep rolling your eyes. You might just find a brain back there.” —Unknown

85. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” —Oliver Hardy

86. “In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families: that they are at least two-thirds incontinent.” —Robert Breault

87. “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” —George Bernard Shaw

88. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” —Stephen Colbert

There’s nothing kids love more than funny limericks (although not every limerick is family friendly!).

Clever sarcasm quotes

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89. “I am not young enough to know everything.” —J.M. Barrie

90. “Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.” —René Descartes

91. “I’d rather be partly great than entirely useless.” —Neal Shusterman, Unwind 

92. “Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey.” —Winston Churchill

93. “A crisis is a terrible thing to waste.” —Paul Romer

94. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.” —Unknown

95. “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” —Unknown

96. “Silence gets us nowhere. Sarcasm gets us there quicker.” —Government Issue, “World Caved In” 

97. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” —Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories 

Clever sarcasm quotes are all well and good, but nothing sticks in your head like a funny song.

Sarcasm quotes for relationships

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98. “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” —Stephen Bishop

99. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” —Groucho Marx

100. “When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” —Sacha Guitry

101. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” —Ashleigh Brilliant

102. “They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood

103. “I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx

104. “We get married to have an ally against our family.” —Jonathan Tropper

105. “During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.” —Unknown

106. “Marriage is a wonderful institution … but who wants to live in an institution?” —Groucho Marx

107. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor

108. “Marry me, and I’ll never look at another horse!” —Groucho Marx

Why not balance out all that sarcasm with some uplifting quotes?

Sources:

• Smithsonian Magazine: “The Science of Sarcasm? Yeah, Right”
• Online Etymology Dictionary: “Sarcasm”

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